This Blog Is About To Take a Turn

My life took quite a dive last week, one that isn’t really adoption related, but I’m sure that will play into it. Right now I’m  numb and don’t know exactly where I’m at with any of it. Only that I’m sad, lonely, and my life is forever changed. I lost the love of my life, my partner in crime, and husband of twenty-eight years last week.

I’m still in shock and there are a lot of (not literally) bloody details, I’m not ready to go into. I just need to write about this.

I’ll completely understand if you aren’t up for this journey, I know it’s not going to be an easy one.

I’ve got through the memorial service, starting on all the lawyer crap today, and feel like I’m getting farther and farther from him every second. People are staying with me, not sure if I’m suicide watch or not, though I know I’m not suicidal. My friends, especially my bastard friends, have bee wonderful, my greatest comfort in all of this. There are no word to thank them.

I’m going to try to write here often, and details will emerge, but for now let’s just say, I’m more alone that I think I have ever been, but I don’t feel abandoned, he didn’t want to go, he didn’t leave leave me. He chose me, sure, but he never tried to change me. He made me feel right and good. I don’t know what I am without him.

26 thoughts on “This Blog Is About To Take a Turn

  1. I’m with you, sweetie. So sorry. I have been there, with my son, and I know the depth of the hole you have to crawl out of. And I know that feeling of how time is suddenly the enemy, despite people using it to try and comfort you. Please keep in touch with us, as you feel able. We all love you.

  2. Oh, Mel …

    Sorry is a weak and close to useless word, but I am so very sorry to hear about your loss.

    Grief is greedy, nothing will satisfy the need to feed it. That sucks, but in a way is okay if there’s no expectation of satisfaction. Ever. You now must add amputee to the list of what is you, and the best to hope for is learning to live with a huge part of you missing. Writing it helps … sometimes …

    I would hug you if I could with the intention of sharing what strength I have and giving some warmth in this damned cold world.

    Grab what you need from wherever it comes, think and say and do and write whatever feels it might help. Let those who can care for you in whatever ways they can with no worry over reciprocation, gratitude or polite responses … those who love you neither need nor want anything more than to give what they have and what you can take.

    You will not recover, nor will you ever want to, so let words meant in kindness and cluelessness that stress recovery blow over you leaving only the bit of warmth created by the effort.

    I wish I had more to offer, but know you’re in my heart.

    Sandra

  3. Oh Addie, I wish there was some way I could take your hurt and grief and bear them for you. I understand where you are, and while my parents’ passing can’t compare to the loss of your life partner, just the sudden loss of a person so loved is a universal grief. I don’t wish this pain on anyone.

    We never stop missing them. And I for one wouldn’t want to. But you get better at it, and eventually even find reasons to be happy. And ]’m pretty sure D would want that. Hang in there and know that you are not alone. And lean on me, or any of the many people who love you, when you need it.

  4. “I’m more alone that I think I have ever been, but I don’t feel abandoned, he didn’t want to go, he didn’t leave leave me. He chose me, sure, but he never tried to change me. He made me feel right and good. I don’t know what I am without him.”

    This is what makes me cry tears that sting like none before. I love you, Addie, and Im so very sorry for your loss. I can’t say anything else, because everything else seems so, I dunno….common? Trite? Sigh….

  5. I haven’t been around much lately. Dealing with my own stuff right now. I do lurk and I try to keep tabs on whats going on with everyone. I know sorry means so little, but its sometimes all we have. HUGE (((HUGS))) to you lady. I wish there were more to offer.

  6. I can’t think of anything helpful to say, but I think it’s important that you know I’m here, abiding with you. May you continue to be uplifted by your friends and family, and by the knowledge of how much you were and are loved.

  7. Everyone has said much of what I wanted to say myself…I love you Addie…I’ve been thinking of you every day hoping you’re doing “okay”.

    Please just keep writing…I’ve always found solace in getting my feelings out on paper and on my blog.

    With deepest sympathies and complete sorrow,
    ElenaKatherine

  8. Hi Addie,

    So sorry to learn about your husband’s passing. I wish you comfort through this and know that support is always close by.

    Michelle

  9. My heart goes out to you in the aftermath of such a tremendous loss. I’m glad your friends and family are surrounding you and being present for you while you are living through this.

  10. Dear Addie,

    I just saw your post. . .I am so very sorry for your loss. I’ll be thinking of you and keeping you close in thought and prayer. I’m so sorry.

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