Happy Ass Adoptive Parents (you knew it was coming)

I am so sick of hearing a bunch of happy ass adoptive parents talking about how they can heal anything with their magic love.  Hey, fuck you, alright.  All the goddamn hugs in the world aren’t going to make a shit bit difference sometimes.

You are not the second coming of June pissing Cleaver.  You will not make adoption okay within a half an hour with you magic chocolate chip cookies.  Got it?  It’s pretty fucking complicated.  Because your one year old diaper rat is smiling now, that don’t mean they are going to be in about 12 years.

You are on the first shift of the paving crew to hell if you believe you really know one goddamn more thing than any parent that came before you.   You don’t know dick.  Okay?  Nobody does, you are in the dark just like everybody else. Just keep up your happy-ass conversation with each other, keep assuring each other you know your child better than anybody else.  Because guess what?  You don’t.  This may come as a big fucking surprise, your kid may have the first clue as to what they are feeling.  Yeah, imagine that, if you’re capable.

You might as well be serving the pages out of your fucking parenting books with a side of ranch dressing for all the good you got out of them.   What did your skip the “scary” parts because that could never happen with you at the parenting helm?  Huh?  Guess what fucko?  Those scary parts are all about people like you.  Turn on every light in the house, grab your fucking teddy bear and get to studying.  You can get on the internet and bitch about how negative some experts are in the morning if it makes you feel better.  I have a feeling you’ll find the support that you so need.

But for fuck’s sake, do not get on there and discount my memories, or anyone else’s that claim to wish to learn from.  I do so wish there was a special are you dimfucks could be sent to until you are ready for mainstreaming.  I think it would do you worlds of good to review a few key concepts before you have a try at the big kid’s class again.


31 thoughts on “Happy Ass Adoptive Parents (you knew it was coming)

  1. You captured some of my thoughts exactly. I guess it comes from already having raised two kids and I now know that Guess What…it is not all about me, what I did, how I did or or why I did it. Some of it is about them too. Their fears, their ambitions, their anger, etc. Yep, and now I am an adoptive parent and frankly I get tired of the Happy Ass Adoptive Parents too who swear that love really is enough. That’s all our kids need. Yeah right…go blow. So for today I will sign myself “Angry, Mean Adoptive Parent” because I am sick to death of the happy asses too!

  2. *waves to Elizabeth and Possum*

    Thanks, really fucking thanks.


    I never ever thought you were a happy-ass AP. There is just something in the general tone that I hear from some other APs that drives me up the wall. I can imagine what it makes you feel like.

    Oh and a big fuck of a thanks to you.

  3. Addie said “Guess what fucko? Those scary parts are all about people like you.”

    Dory says: No shit.

    And after years and years of subliminal silencing through their positive adoption speak – when the times comes that their kid breaks down – it won’t be because of adoption – ohhhhh, she’s just a troubled child, she’s so angry. Gee, I wonder the fuck why?

  4. Yeah gee, it wouldn’t be all that prissy-ass pretty talk would it?

    Super ice cream cone didilyfuck thanks, Dory.

    (no, I’m not going to run out of these fucking thank yous. It’s now my purpose for living, well that and my constant seething anger.)

  5. Addie – though we might use different adjectives 🙂 – I full-heartedly agree wtih your message. I think it scares some parents into stone-cold paralysis to think that their children could or would start thinking about their adoption on their OWN terms, and not the terms that society and others insist to place upon us.

  6. Perhaps there are adoptive parents out there who dismiss their children’s feelings. There are others however, who walk those dark alleys of despair and questioning with their children. There are those who love them enough to cry with them. I understand your frustration with those who assume an adoptive child should just be happy because they are “so lucky to find a family”. Sometimes, I find myself filled with rage against those who have so little sympathy for my daughters. I wonder how exactly they would handle it if they lost everyone and everything they knew in one fell swoop.

    I believe adoption is a blessing but every adoption inevitably carries with it trauma and loss. I also believe there can be healing, freedom and blessing in the life of an adoptee.

    I don’t know if anyone ever listened to you or grieved with you, but today, although I may not be YOUR adoptive mother, and although you may hate me for saying it…I grieve with you and I am sorry for all you have lost.

  7. kim,

    luckyfucking thanks.


    The thing is Paula, no matter what society says, adoptees do, and are going to, think about adoption from their own perspective. Parents that realize this can make it a much easier thing for them. I do think the ones that don’t get that are shrinking in number, but are becoming more dug in and more vocal, about it. Conventional wisdom always dies a hard death.
    I’m always so glad to see the growing number of parents like you who do realize that, first, it not your fault things are sometimes hard for us, and second, they need to talk about it.

    Hugs and fucks to you, Paula.


    I’m really not as sad or grieving as I am frustrated. I really do this more for the ones that come after me. I’ve had my time to work through some of it, I by no means have it all worked out, but I’m pretty much okay. Grieve for the ones that have yet to realize they need to, they’re the ones that need you. Something tells me you do that anyway.

    Sincerely, thank you for reading me.

    And a fuckity fuck thanks too.

  8. Oh, I absolutely agree 100% with you, Addie. I didn’t mean to imply that fellow adoptees didn’t or weren’t going to think about adoption from their own perspective. Of course we do, and always will. I just meant to say that I think some APs are so deeply rooted in such massive denial that honestly, they truly believe that their kids won’t ever think about their adoption and if they do, it will only be thought of through the lens of their parents eyes. And that scares the ever livin’ crap out of me. That they so fervently believe their children will only have or should only have the “adoption is always a win-win, esp. for the adoptee” kind of mentality.

    Anyway – sorry if my choice of words got lost in translation. And thanks for special hugs!

  9. Paula, I was the one that didn’t get it out right. I knew what you meant. I just didn’t get what I meant out right.

    I think we are on the same fucking page here. *tee hee*

  10. Cheers, Addie!! Yes there are plenty of these people STILL out there with there heads stuck up their asses. Just check out the infertility/adoption blogs, these OMG I went through all of this paperwork, why doesn’t someone just give me a baby already! (15 yrs. later its Hey, you ungrateful teenager, do you know how long it took me to fill out those fucking papers?) Oh we don’t want the kid to be confused, so its only closed adoption for us, (they would never want to get to know that bitch in a trailer park anyway!) Wait until the kid grows up, and can start to think for itself! Or the kid starts setting random stuff on fire…. or worse….will they still be happy happy without the prozac?

  11. Oh Addie, thank you for the tears of laughter. You made my day!

    “June Pissing Cleaver”!!!

    Bijou, I think your addition fit in very well too.

  12. Pingback: Parenting, Love, and Paradoxes « Paragraphein

  13. If I had even a tiny inkling of how being an AP would make me feel…I might not have done it. Yeah, I think I may have been one of those happy-ass, June-fucking-Cleavers you were talking about for a short time – but then my daughter came home. And I realized just how much she was a composite extension of her firstparents. And, even more to my dismay, I realized I didn’t have the tools to influence and encourage the intrinsic parts of her “person” the way her parents could have.

    Do I have tools and skills? Sure. Do I play trombone, run mini-marathons, ride horses? Hell no. What scares the ever-loving-shit out of me, and even more as every day that goes by, is that my E-baby shows preference for those things; those things that are not of me and my husband.

    When I wrote our profile, which is something I struggled over for MONTHS, I finally ended up with this: “Our goal as parents is to nurture your child with as much love, trust, understanding, information and encouragement as he or she will need to grow to be a successful, confident and unique individual.” This includes knowing, not just visiting or looking at random pictures, her parents. Her REAL parents. And understanding…perhaps not accepting…but understanding why they made the decision they did.

    Rah, Rah, Addie. Well-fucking thought out.

  14. yeah…now here’s some quality writing…nothing influences people’s opinions more than telling them to go screw themselves…good job…

  15. I am not sure it was really meant to influence deep thinkers like you anon.

    Maybe it was a frustrated vent, not meant for your edification.

    Maybe some of us are interested in things other than you.

  16. I don’t know anon, it moved you enough to comment.

    I’m flattered.

    I never actually told anybody to go screw themselves, I would be tempted to tell you to go do so, but I have a feeling that’s all you’ve ever done anyway.

    So you just have an extra special nice day in happy-ass land.

  17. Oh Yeah to everyone else thanks.

    Bijou, setting stuff on fire? That’s great.

    jeffandjen, that’s what I’m talking about.

    joy, my first anon attack, I’m so excited!

    A friend of mine was a pro wrestler, he told me he knew he had made it when one night as he was going down to the ring, a little old lady spit on him. I can see that.

  18. Addie,

    Just to throw some more oil on the fucking fire, hehe I think when the independent thoughts and “unwanted” feelings, (ie. not grateful) start to surface, I don’t think aparents blame adoption or themselves or society.

    I think that’s when the chant of “blame the birth mothers” comes out, or in my own case—oh it’s that bad blood/bad genes she got from “those people.”

    Couldn’t be my Adads alcoholism, or my Amom’s mental illness, or my own undiagnosed, untreated ADHD, or even adoption itself?

    Or just because I’m a person?

    No no no no

    (And of course, these traits MUST be viewed in a negative light as well…wouldn’t want to raise an independent intelligent woman, or try to find the gifted creative side of ADHD would we? No, only normal boring average groupthink is permitted….)

  19. Aurelia,

    Just the very fact that you bring up “unwanted feelings”, bugs the piss out of me. It’s not like us adoptees want to have these kinds of feelings either. The whole assumption that this is a bad or un-natural thing is just wrong. it’s not like we don’t WANT to be happy.

    I also agree that many of the Aparents who don’t want to deal with “unwanted feelings” tend to be group thinkers. And I think the largest percentage of them are those that adopted because they thought they should have children, not that they truly wanted them in any kind of real way.

  20. Thank you Addie. No, we really don’t know what the phone calls were about. The best I can think of to do is to send to foster family a letter and some pics.

  21. “will they still be happy happy without the prozac?” Ahh, the question of the Century.

    “…my first anon attack, I’m so excited!” Addie, I just had mine, and in my response referred to your post – this post. I came back to review, and realized I never even left a comment. Funny, those posts I relate to the most I think make me nod my head so much that it numbs my ability to communicate. lol

    Aurelia, “Couldn’t be my Adads alcoholism, or my Amom’s mental illness, or … even adoption itself?” Nah. Couldn’t be, ’cause I share those “gifits.” Doncha know we were just born miserable and would be miserable with our natural parents too. :::::rolls eyes:::::

    Yes, Addie, god forbid adoptive parents do the hard work of dealing with those “unwanted feelings.” Let the fucking adoptees deal with ’em when they’re finally out of the “loving” adoptive home.

  22. Pingback: Flashback Friday: Parenting, love, & paradoxes « Living

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