Candy-Ass Adoptees

That’s right, I’m come up with a whole new category of adoptees. These adoptees are bit harder it identify by the casual observer. They may appear to be dealing with their adoptee experience in a healthy way. They talk the talk, hell they even walk the walk, sometimes to an extent that they become deeply involved in reform.

But don’t be fooled. They are still doing everything they can to please Mommy and Daddy. If they have realized that there is nothing on this Earth they can do to please their own adoptive parents, anybody else’s will do just fine. Yeah, it’s a real sweet defense mechanism, just because their experience was bad, they think they can make up for it by licking the boots of any adoptive parent that shows them one bit of kindness. There is nothing in the world they won’t do to please them, even turn on their own. This has been known to exhibit itself in the form of martyrdom. Let’s face it, adoptive parents with a confidence problem respond to nothing more happily than adoptee martyrdom.

It’s cheap and it’s weak. If you have to point out over and over again how much you’ve done for everyone, how much is it worth, really? It tends to make you look like you did it more for the adoration than the substance. Let’s face it, if you really believe in what your doing, all pats on the back and atta boys are nice, but you would keep on doing it without them. If you are going to base the continuation of your work on the number of affirmations you get for it, why even bother?

Grow the fuck up. Follow your own vision without apology, or cowing down. If you truly have anything worth a good goddamn, it’s going to make some people feel uncomfortable, it’s going to piss some people off. Learn to live with it.

Another thing, if you want to change things, you are going to make mistakes, and you are going to have to acknowledge them, and those of the people who help you. Ignoring your own shortcomings, covering them with a cloak of martyrdom, doesn’t work. Your work is closely scrutinized, if you drop the ball, people are going to notice. Glossing things over make you appear to have zero credibility.

If you have a change of heart, admit it. The fact is, you are going to have to start over, but some will follow your vision, others won’t. If this is what you believe in, you should start from an honest place. Trying to keep everybody happy when your heart’s not in it will only serve to weaken what you are trying to build.

And finally, if you built it, you bear the responsibility for what happens there. Change is not a turn-key operation. The buck stops with you.

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18 thoughts on “Candy-Ass Adoptees

  1. it ‘s me joy

    I can’t believe how good this post is, it has taken me a while to let it sink in because you know I am so saturated.

  2. Yes, eunmi, you can say fuck too. I don’t believe in imposing double standards on my commenters.

    Joy,

    Please pick up a nice dry towel at the front desk.

  3. You know Addie,

    I am beginning to suspect adoption would work out a lot better without the adoptee.

    they seem to really foul things up somehow.

  4. Smoothly?? – maybe – but not nearly as much snark & fun!!!!

    It’s the adult adoptee that fucks it all for everyone.
    We love to stomp on that happy ideal of “Oh – isn’t adoption a wonderful wonderful thing?”.

    We’re such fuckers – aren’t we!?!?!?!?!?!

  5. “nothing in the world they [adoptees] won’t do to please them [APs], even turn on their own”

    “did it more for the adoration than the substance”

    “if you built it, you bear the responsibility for what happens there”

    Yeah.

    And Joy, “I am beginning to suspect adoption would work out a lot better without the adoptee. …they seem to really foul things up somehow”

    Sad but true. The whole friggin world would love to see us disappear the moment they are through with us.

  6. I love adoption. I cannot tell you how grateful I am that I got rejected by my own mother, so that another one could choose me, or not choose me as she saw fit, only to be rejected again by my own mother, and re- rejected by my other mother. But isn’t it great that they CHOSE me to be their victim, and LOVE me conditionally as long as I shut the hell up and comply to their wishes, and don’t tell anyone about our dirty little secret wink, wink, wink.

  7. These adoptees are bit harder it identify by the casual observer. They may appear to be dealing with their adoptee experience in a healthy way. They talk the talk, hell they even walk the walk, sometimes to an extent that they become deeply involved in reform.

    This makes me think of a similar breed of adoptiive parents who supports reform and all that is wrong with adoption AFTER they have acquired their “own” child.

    Or even the “birth”mothers who recruit other mothers touting all that is wonderful.

    ‘Scuse me while I go hurl.

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