Elements Of Style Internet Style

Seems that everyone on the internet is a great writer.  I know this because they tell me.  All the time.  It seems to be a defense mechanism.

I’m not a great writer, and according to many, have no clue as to what makes a great writer.   Luckily all the great writer’s out there have been kind enough to point out exactly what I should be striving for.  As far as I can tell these are the rules..

1. Point out as often as possible what a great writer you are.  Don’t be shy, you have to let those that do not recognize your talents know how great you are.   After all great writers are not known for their modesty.

2. Use big words.  The bigger the better.   Keystrokes count, you want to use as many of them as possible.  Great writers are intelligent, intelligent people use big words.  It really isn’t about communicating your point clearly, it’s about the great big words.

3. Use words that are almost never heard in regular conversation.  This is essential in message board posts and blog comments.  This shows that your level of everyday discourse is on a much higher level than most.  This helps you appear to be intelligent, all great writers are very intelligent.

4. Make your point over and over again.  Writing is all about conveying your thoughts.  Let your readers have more than one chance to understand your point.  Don’t worry about being wordy, your a great writer, words are your oyster.

5. Don’t get too picky about the actual definition of the big and infrequently used words.  You are a great writer, you have license to assign brand new meanings to your words.  If called on your usage, simply explain that you were using an archaic definition that you found when perusing your complete copy of the Oxford Dictionary.  All great writers have a copy of this book.

6. Punctuation is for the little people.  If you are to make a mistake, it was because you were caught up in the creative process.  Only the most jealous and frustrated would dare to point out the mistakes of a great writer like you.

7. Point out what a great writer you are.  People need guidance.  Since you are so talented, some will not recognize your  greatness without having it pointed out to them.

8. Always give clues to your creative process.  Your readers love to get a glimpse of how the great writers work.   Use phrases such as, ” the ink flows freely from my pen” and “as my thought s formed themselves on the page”.

9. Drop names.  The more literate the better.  This shows that you are well read, all great writers are well read.  It makes no difference if you have read these other writers or not, you will be seen as among them in your readers minds.

10. Point out what a great writer you are.

11. Compare yourself to some of the great writers of the past.  Your work does put you squarely among them.  If Fitzgerald had internet acces, he would be on your buddy list without a doubt.

12. Point out what a great writer you are.

As far as I can tell if you stick with these simple rules, you too can be a great writer.


5 thoughts on “Elements Of Style Internet Style

  1. Dear Addie

    This is wonderful and should be given to every major university. I actually do use big words a lot in real life as hd is running for the lifted-pinky award.

    But yes, I am a great writer too, my especialty is the malapropism, it flows out my finger tips reasily.

    For years I strugggggled with my writing, and then I bought this lap-top that came with a shiny blue e I could push on and a world of vituruoso avenues, boulevards, side streets, alley ways, lanes, circles and cul-de-sacs (that was a m-e-t-a-f-o-u-r, you like? tricky eh?) opened up to me to spread my genius like a virus,
    Just call me

    Adoptee Camus

  2. Joy, I’m afraid you will have to come up with some words that you don’t use regularly like, ultacrepidarian and olitory, it’s not about being clear, it’s about appearances. If you use words that you are actually familiar with, nobody’s going to be impressed.

    Coco, there is hope for you. It’s not about what you have to say, it’s about how you say it.

  3. as a former college English teacher I find this funny. These are some of the things my poor freshman think about writing. I have tried my best to knock this stuff out of their heads.

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