Continuing my flow, you know, we’re still on #1
1. There is no I in adoption.
Still not convinced? What about when they actually got you home? It was surely about you then, wasn’t it? No, not really.
Sure there are about 50 photo albums full of pictures of you before you were two-years-old and your a-parents have about a million stories from that time, but this is really where a lot of the problems start. During this time when you were dependent, compliant for the most part, and could not talk, your a-parents started to assign you a lot of qualities that you just don’t posses. If you a-dad was an accountant, they became convinced that you would be good with numbers, if your a-mom was an artist, they assumed you would be able to draw. Your a-parents weren’t evil in trying to assign you those traits, it is natural to wish that what are seen as good things are shared, but none of this was based in any kind of reality for you. Your inherit traits came from your natural family, they may or may not have matched with theirs. But in being able to fulfill your role as a baby by eating, sleeping, crying, and goo-gooing they assumed that you would continue to fulfill their ambitions.
So when is adoption about the adoptee? Certainly not during childhood. The I in adoption gets lost in striving to make a-parents proud and the insistence that the adoptee be grateful. Being grateful for what? Essentially being saved from the self that they would be without the intervention of the agencies, the adoptive parents and society as a whole.
The I is definitely missing in adulthood. Adoption is supposed to be a thing that we are over, a non-event, a curious fact at best. When you say I am adopted, it is expected to be followed by a tribute to those that saved you from who you could have been. A thank you for the absence of the I. The thing that was never really about you, that fulfilled everybody else’s needs is to have made you never realize that the I was ever there at all.
I’m working on it folks….