20 Things

4. You are not getting the whole picture.

Even if you’ve been re-united for 50 years you are not getting the whole picture of the events surrounding your adoption.

Think about it. Think of all the people involved. Now think about what their motivations may have been. Also think about how much or how little they actually communicated with each other. There is no way you can know exactly what really went on. Truthfully no one does.

Let’s start with your a-parents, who most likely started the adoption process long before your first mother became pregnant. We’ve already established that adoption is usually decided upon from what can only be described as a stressful situation. Exactly why did they decide to adopt? Were they truly on the same page in making that decision?

You’ve been told that they adopted because they wanted more than anything else to raise a child they could call their own. I’m sure this is true, but it’s a pretty general answer. There are a lot of reasons they wanted this, and of your parents may have wanted it more than the other. They almost certainly wanted it for different reasons.

Men and women take different roles in parenting and probably do this because they see the role of a parent through their own perspective to some degree. This also colors their reasons for wanting to become parents in the first place. I’m not sure either parent can be completely open with the other about taking a leap as big as adoption, it just brings so much more into the parenting decision. This and the fact that parenting never turns out as anyone expects, may leave them wondering about their reasoning themselves.

Your first parents were also most likely under a great deal of stress. Unexpected pregnancy doesn’t tend to make for peace of mind. Almost every first mother speaks of feeling pulled in different directions, by the baby’s father, by her family, by agencies and most of all by their own feelings. It is very little wonder that many look back and question their decision making at the time.

The clearest decision makers in all of this are the agencies. They have missions, goals, a clear mandate as to their role in all of this. This in no way means that their actions were pure, right, or in your best interest, just that they were most likely operating on a set of guidelines.

All of this means very little to you. The events leading up to your adoption aren’t something that can ever really be figured out. There is no one truth, there are many. Coming to a complete understanding about what happened is impossible. The earliest part of your life will always be surrounded by a certain amount of conflict.

The very heart of the matter is that you are the result what amounts, in many cases, to an adversarial event. Adversarial relationships are great for making laws and trying criminal, but not so good for journeys of self discovery.

The sad fact is accepting that you don’t have a neat, logical, or all together happy story, will most likely serve you well. When you gain this perspective, it allows you to move on from asking questions of others and start asking questions of yourself.

Once you have some kind of idea of the events, you need to look more at how it effected you, not everyone else. They have had many years with a much more mature viewpoint than you, more than likely they have drawn their own conclusions, and consciously or unconsciously, are invested in an agenda. Try to take what they have to offer, iece it together the best you can, and draw your own conclusions.