Be Aware

National Adoption Awareness Month.

I’m familiar with adoptee awareness. I have always felt like I needed to be very aware of what was going on around me. It was too easy to get blind sided by someone’s reaction to what I thought was an innocent remark or movement.

I wonder about that.

You know the feeling when you meet someone and you instantly have a connection? Maybe it’s something about their voice, their movements, just something that you can’t quite put your finger on? There is just something compatible between you. There’s no way to predict this, it just is. Compatibility, attraction, chemistry.

Or maybe you meet someone you instantly dislike. It’s not something they have said, what they are wearing, it’s just a feeling. Somehow you are put off. Sometimes no amount of trying to set these feelings aside can make you feel comfortable around them. Incompatibility, unease, chemistry.

These things just happen. There is something buried deep within us that makes us feel this way. Exposure to one you are compatible with can lead to great friendship or even love. In my experience, many of my dearest relationships were formed almost instantly. It just felt right from the very beginning. The same thing can be said of those who I instantly disliked. I have either struggled to maintain a relationship, usually because my well being or income depended on it, or just avoided them all together in order not to make an enemy.

The relationships that I have struggled with the most are those with my adoptive family. That feeling of instant connection just was never there. No real connection grew with time. We were all forced into a very strange relationship where we had to try to care for each other. It reminds me of when I was a child, other children would talk about not really liking their cousins, but they had to love them because they were cousins. That’s not quite the feeling but it’s close.

With so much pressure from within both my adoptive family members, and myself, to make things work, it just never did. I don’t think it was anyone’s fault, it was just, and still is, very uncomfortable for us all. I should love them, they should love me. It should work.

It just doesn’t.

We find each other maddening.

I can recognize this for what it is now. When I was a child, I could not. I don’t think that my adoptive family really ever will recognize what’s going on. They won’t recognize that the chemistry just isn’t there.

I’m no longer careful about my movements or words around them. If they don’t like me, it’s their turn to struggle with it. I’m not bad, I’m not mean, I’m just not compatible.

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One thought on “Be Aware

  1. You are not bad, you are not mean.

    I struggled with these feelings too, I am not like them, I am just not.

    It is hard not to feel guilty.

    Adoption, it just gives so much.

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