Identity Theft

In some recent posts, I’ve explored some of the lamer attempts of adoptive parents, and others involved in the adoption community, to identify with adoptees.  These have ranged from evoking the Gods to symbolically killing off their own parents.  Not one of them made a bit of sense.

The astute Coco commented that this was an attempt to roll us all into The One Big Happy.  This is true.  But why do they feel the need to do this?  What is it within them that wants to make us like them, or them like us, to identify with us?  And why aren’t they willing to give up anything to get this?

Everybody else sacrifices.  Our natural families sacrificed their own flesh and blood.  And so much more, they many times sacrificed peace of mind, confidence, and security.  Even if they went into his arrangement knowing full well what they might be giving up, I doubt any of them guessed the extent that this would continue to effect them.

We, the adoptees, sacrificed.  We were taken from the life that we were destined for and given something else.  No matter how well, or how poorly, things went for us, we will never know what could have been.  Who we would be.  At the very least, adoptees have more “What if?” questions than anyone raised in a natural family could imagine.

I can’t go into everything we gave up, it’s all really bee covered .  But I do think we can agree that adoptees give up a lot, and no one even asks us if it’s OK before they take it away.

Even if this need by adoptive parents to find wht that they have given up, something that makes them the same as the adoptees, comes from acknowledgment of our losses,  it’s still lame and unnecessary and comes off as patronizing.

Just face it, being adopted is not something you can identify with unless you have been through it.  Because you may understand some of it does not ean you understand all of it.  You are not like us.  You never can be.  This doesn’t mean that you cannot love us, raise us well, or come to know us deeply.  But please do not claim to understand.  It lessens you.

Adoption isn’t like anything else.  It is a unique experience.  Saying that it is like something, especially something that isn’t absolute, or even real, does not make sense to us.  It might be fine for you to discuss with your monthly adoptive mommies playgroup, but don’t expect us to swallow it whole.  Adoption is a life long situation, we’ve had much more time and motivation to think about it.

Like the man says, “They’re quite aware of what they’re going through.”

Little Orphan Adopters

It seems that us adoptees aren’t the only ones who are orphans out there. So are the adopters.

Yep.

In another desperate attempt to justify raiding the word for cute little babies, this idea has come to light. Possibly the “we were all adopted in the family of Jesus” crap wasn’t working with the less godly potential adoptive parents, so some super genius has come up with this brainwave.

The reasoning goes like this. That when a person leaves their parents home and sets off in life, they are essentially orphaned. That growing up and actually doing what is expected, makes one an orphan. It would seem that the only ones with families still in tact are the losers living in their parents basements. Everybody else is an orphan. This is supposed to show how much anyone can identify with the situation of their adoptee. Oh course a lot of fancy language and hypothetical situations were used to make it sound like something much deeper, but that’s what it distills to.

I would like to know what kind of life these morons have experienced, but it sure as hell must be an easy one to think that leaving home is at all like losing one or both parents, at any age. Getting your first apartment is absolutely nothing like having a parent die. Coming up with first and last months rent and security deposit, as hard as it may have been for these defectives, bears no resemblance to waiting to hear how the test for terminal cancer came out for dear old dad, trust me.

This justification is not only a slap in the face to anyone who has ever lot a parent, it’s just plain lame. Most adoptees are not orphans, we were simply left for others to raise, be it by coercion, need, or abandonment. No life taking event lead to our adoption. Any orphan justification does not hold up on those terms alone.

Still there are those who would wish to avoid the reality that they are raising someone else’s child with any excuse they can muster. By somehow convincing themselves that they are orphans, it makes it aright in their mind to think of their adopted children in these terms. That they would think of themselves as orphans because they are not receiving the daily care of living parents is delusional.

Are these adopters parents gone, completely out of their lives? Do they gaze at their pictures recalling times past and wishing that they could speak to them just one more time? When something very good or very bad happens in their lives to they wish that they could pick up the phone and tell their departed parents about it? Do they have to take comfort in the fact that their parents just might be looking down on them from another place? Do they recall the day they left home, presumably the anniversary of their own orphanhood, every year with great sadness? And most of all, do they wish that their children could know their grandparents?

Real orphans do.

This silly justification belittles everyone involved, not just these people’s parents and themselves, but most of all the adoptee. Though we may not truly be orphans, we have lost something. Something that these desperate people scampering for any justification for their actions could never understand.

I Have A Brand New Plan

Well with every adoptee rights bill introduced in the current Missouri legislative session either withdrawn, on hold, or revised into a total piece of shit, it’s time to move on.

But how do we do that?

I’m glad you asked. This is where the new plan comes in.

What we are doing just ain’t working. We are going to ditch the kicking and crying, the victim attitude, the constant whining, and the Queen For A Fucking Day adoption beat me up so bad I can’t go on bullshit. We will also be jettisoning the back biting, the self-congratulatory boasting, and the goddamn circle jerk that the adoptee rights movement has become.

If you want to talk about your feelings, if you feel the need to cry into your dish towel, take a walk right now. You ain’t going to do that here. There are places for that, heck I administrate a couple of them, that’s the place for it. Go heal yourself and please come around when you are feeling stronger. We do have a place at the table for you, when you’re ready.

Now if you can put the pain aside and act like a grown-up for at least a little while, and truly desire your rights, let’s talk.

First let’s be honest, we aren’t even close in the state of Missouri. It’s going to take a lot of work and more than likely a lot of time. A lot of people would tell you that open records are just around the corner, it just ain’t so, right here, right now. All you have to do is look at what happened to all the bills that were considered this session to see that.

That’s not to say that it can’t be done, it can. But getting everybody’s hopes up over something that was obviously going to amount to nothing does no one any good. Expect to get beat up. There are very powerful people who do not want us to have access and the truth be told, those that do support our cause have shown no inclination to go to war recently.

We need to give the people that can help us a reason to champion our cause. While our cause is a noble one, and almost anyone can be convinced of that fairly easily, someone else’s noble cause is rarely a reason to go to war. We need to give them a real reason to help us out.

One of the best reasons I can think of to help someone is that they have helped you out in the past.

The first step in The Brand New Plan is not-so-random acts of kindness. We are going to help out those that could help us out. First go here..

Missouri Leggie Look-up

Find your legislators. Many of them are up for re-election this fall. You can go here to see if they have filed..

Who’s in the running

If they have filed, call their office. You are going to be the best johnny-on-the-spot volunteer they have ever seen. You are going to make phone calls, knock on doors, fetch coffee, eat dirt, what ever, and talk to everyone you know about voting for your candidate. You will impress your candidate with your dedication and nobility. Study up, know all the issues, not just adoptee rights. Let them know that you aren’t one dimensional. That you are a citizen concerned with all aspects of life. They will hopefully see you as the real and noble person that you are.

When you come to them later you will be more than one of the many people who wants something, you will be someone that has helped them. This may help to incline them to help you. You are noble and dedicated after all.

This approach will be most effective in the House races. The House candidates always have less people working for them. State Rep races just don’t have the glamor of the national races, you will have less other people performing not-so-random acts of kindness to compete with.

We need to focus on the already friendly leggies first, of course.

Davis in District 42

Roorda in District 102

In the State senate races, the once and maybe future friendly Connie Johnson has filed for the seat in district 5.

I’ll be throwing myself at my incumbent state rep hoping to curry favor.

This is only the beginning. We need to present ourselves as adults, with some knowledge of how things work in order to be treated as adults.

We are starting all over here folks. This is the first step.