Brave New Ways To Annoy Me

 

As you know I spend a great deal of my time being annoyed.  It is a hobby.  Lately I have noticed there are a lot of brand new ways to be annoying, especially online.  
Want to piss me off?  Tweet what you had for breakfast.  Let me give you a clue here, nobody gives a good goddamn how yummy you think scrambled eggs are.  We just don’t.  Unless you have substituted live spiders for the bananas in your Cheerios, just spare us.  
Having a cup of coffee isn’t that interesting either.  Do you really expect folks to get all excited when you let us know about your latte on facebook?  You are not sending these dispatches out to a remote uninhabited island.  Most folks with a computer are familiar with both Starbucks and the intricate workings of Mr. Coffee.  
You exercised? Wow.  That’s great.  Good for you.  I’m sure everybody on your list now has an image of you as fit and athletic.  That’s impressive.  The thing is if Jennifer Lopez is not in your yoga class nobody cares.  Exercise is every bit as boring to hear about as it is to actually do.  
You are working on a blog post?  Everybody kind of already figures that you work on them before you post them.  We are all onto that.  But thanks for letting us know.  
Thanks for letting me know you are busy today and want to get a whole lot done.  I take it that posting this was one of the earth shatteringly important things you had to do?  Congratulations you can check annoying the shit out of me off your list.
Good to know that your kid just did something cute.  Everybody thinks kids are cute, you especially think your kid is cute.  It’s just an overload of cuteness out there.  You know those folks who insist on showing you every picture of their kids in their giant wallet?  Well that’s you, just on a larger scale.  
Having a bad day?  I’m real sorry.  So are the other 200 people on your list.  I’m sure all the thousands of other folks, 123 of which have let us know they are having a bad day too, that all us folks connect to,  are sorry too.  Can you see how your bad day is contributing to a planet wide buzzkill?  Think about that the next time you are feeling down.
My job sucks too.  Pretty much everybody thinks their job sucks, at least some of the time.  I am glad that you reminded me that I am not alone though.  It makes me feel as if I am connected to a whole community.  Did you not get that?  OK, let me make this perfectly clear, everybody thinks their job sucks.  Got it? Good.
Oh you’re birthday is coming up?  Somehow you’ve just happened to mention it.  Well happy birthday!  I want you to know I didn’t feel a bit pressured to say that.  Really.  I just can’t wait for your post about all the gifts you got.  
And for the love of god do not try to sell me something.  Everybody is on to you.  You may have found the greatest pair of sunglasses, the best face cream, or absolutely love that new movie, but I’m not going to click on your link to shameless promotion.  I don’t care how many widget points you are going to get toward that big layout you’ve been promised.  Actually if you do ever really have something to say, I’m probably not going to read that either for fear of being offered the lowest mortgage rate in years.  I realize that you are only trying to make a buck and give about as much a shit about these wonderful new products and services as I do, but you are reminding of those Amway zombies.  Just quit it.
By the way, I didn’t eat breakfast, just coffee, went to the gym, just finished up a blog post, and would really like the new blackberry for my birthday that’s coming up.  
As you know I spend a great deal of my time being annoyed.  It is a hobby.  Lately I have noticed there are a lot of brand new ways to be annoying, especially online.  
Want to piss me off?  Tweet what you had for breakfast.  Let me give you a clue here, nobody gives a good goddamn how yummy you think scrambled eggs are.  We just don’t.  Unless you have substituted live spiders for the bananas in your Cheerios, just spare us.  
Having a cup of coffee isn’t that interesting either.  Do you really expect folks to get all excited when you let us know about your latte on facebook?  You are not sending these dispatches out to a remote uninhabited island.  Most folks with a computer are familiar with both Starbucks and the intricate workings of Mr. Coffee.  
You exercised? Wow.  That’s great.  Good for you.  I’m sure everybody on your list now has an image of you as fit and athletic.  That’s impressive.  The thing is if Jennifer Lopez is not in your yoga class nobody cares.  Exercise is every bit as boring to hear about as it is to actually do.  
You are working on a blog post?  Everybody kind of already figures that you work on them before you post them.  We are all onto that.  But thanks for letting us know.  
Thanks for letting me know you are busy today and want to get a whole lot done.  I take it that posting this was one of the earth shatteringly important things you had to do?  Congratulations you can check annoying the shit out of me off your list.
Good to know that your kid just did something cute.  Everybody thinks kids are cute, you especially think your kid is cute.  It’s just an overload of cuteness out there.  You know those folks who insist on showing you every picture of their kids in their giant wallet?  Well that’s you, just on a larger scale.  
Having a bad day?  I’m real sorry.  So are the other 200 people on your list.  I’m sure all the thousands of other folks, 123 of which have let us know they are having a bad day too, that all us folks connect to,  are sorry too.  Can you see how your bad day is contributing to a planet wide buzzkill?  Think about that the next time you are feeling down.
My job sucks too.  Pretty much everybody thinks their job sucks, at least some of the time.  I am glad that you reminded me that I am not alone though.  It makes me feel as if I am connected to a whole community.  Did you not get that?  OK, let me make this perfectly clear, everybody thinks their job sucks.  Got it? Good.
Oh you’re birthday is coming up?  Somehow you’ve just happened to mention it.  Well happy birthday!  I want you to know I didn’t feel a bit pressured to say that.  Really.  I just can’t wait for your post about all the gifts you got.  
And for the love of god do not try to sell me something.  Everybody is on to you.  You may have found the greatest pair of sunglasses, the best face cream, or absolutely love that new movie, but I’m not going to click on your link to shameless promotion.  I don’t care how many widget points you are going to get toward that big layout you’ve been promised.  Actually if you do ever really have something to say, I’m probably not going to read that either for fear of being offered the lowest mortgage rate in years.  I realize that you are only trying to make a buck and give about as much a shit about these wonderful new products and services as I do, but you are reminding of those Amway zombies.  Just quit it.
By the way, I didn’t eat breakfast, just coffee, went to the gym, just finished up a blog post, and would really like the new blackberry for my birthday that’s coming up.  
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6 thoughts on “Brave New Ways To Annoy Me

  1. Wait. Does that mean you won’t follow my tweets about my numerous attempts to lick my elbow? I swear. I’m almost there.

  2. “I take it that posting this was one of the earth shatteringly important things you had to do?”

    I cracked up so much at that. (Shhh, I find the oddest things to be funny sometimes even when they’re not intended to be XD)

    “So are the other 200 people on your list. I’m sure all the thousands of other folks, 123 of which have let us know they are having a bad day too, that all us folks connect to, are sorry too.”

    Repeat my above line.

    Ah you’re so amusing.

  3. Dearest Addie, I promise not to tell you about my hangnails, job satisfaction levels, food choices or any mystery rashes I may experience.

    You’re welcome.

    I do reserve the right to tell you about the time I recently discovered that I had gone grocery shopping with a giant rip in the butt of my pants, because everyone needs to know about that.

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