I Wonder If The Lady From Holt International thinks I’m Stable?

Ok, yeah I know, it’s been a while.  Let’s just say I’ve had a lot going on, and I’ll get to that.  But forst I need to tell you abou the end of our Holt experience.  

 

Lillie asked the bad Holt lady about reunion when adoptees became adults.  that is to say what she meant, it took a few tries for the Bad Holt Lady to quite get what she was saying.  first, we found out that it was completely wrong, as well as impossible for children to be reunited.  Duh, we get that part.  I’m not sure it had ever occured to Bad Holt Lady that adoptees actually grow up. 

When Lillie really pinned her down and asked the Bad Holt Lady, very slowly and and using very small words, what she thought of adult adoptees reuniting with their firstparents she said something like, “Well that would be up to the parties involved…if both parties thought it was alright, I suppose it wouldn’t hurt..”  Bad Holt Lady looked very confused at this point.  And by both parties she meant both sets of parents, it seems that the adult adoptee should have nothing to say about this.  

When pressed harder she thought it would be OK if “both parties were stable.”  By this she did mean the first parent and adoptee.  I found it a bit odd that she would even think that any All American perfectly adjusted adoptee would have any chance of not being stable, I guess the Bad Holt Lady missed that contradiction too.

Take what you want to from what I’ve written about this experience.  It is presented as it actually happened.

More On The Holt Experience

When we were on the subject of the birthmothers reliquishing rights, Lillie asked exactly how did they try to determine that the mothers had truly wished that their child be put up for adoption.  The Holt Lady said that many times they put ads in local newspapers looking for the mothers of these children and if they do not respond, the child is relinquished.

I do wonder how many mothers have time, means, or knowledge to access to these newspapers.  I wonder how many mothers return to these orphanages when their situations improve and find that their child is gone forever.  I wonder how many know this may happen but have no choice.

I wonder if this woman who has had to leave her child imagines that another woman on the other side of the world would be assured that there is no way the mother would ever be able to find her child.  I wonder what this mother would think of a woman who would feel reassured by this.  Thinking about this makes me sad.

The Holt Lady showed me a fold out chart that detailed all the countries that I could adopt from.  It had waiting times, availability, etc.  She thought the best country for me might be Ethiopia.  I have no idea why.  I noticed that Guatemala was still listed there.  I asked if they still were working there.  She said no.  And went on to say that they had absolutely nothing to do with anything that went wrong there.  That other unethical agencies had “messed it up for everybody and it was so unfair”.   Her voice raised about an octave and got quite a bit louder at that point.  She turned and began to talk to Lillie about something else before I could ask any more questuions on that subject.

With being a bit nervous and fairly pissed off by this time I may be off on my sequence of events, but I think this was about the time we were invited to adoption camp.  The Holt lady had been pushing us pretty hard to come to the seminar that was sceduled for later that day, and we had asked waht other programs they had avaialble.  she told us about their annual picnic and said that we were welcome to come and talk with the parents and children.  And mentioned that they had a yearly culture camp.

I mentioned that we were in Iowa after all, do the kids have any trouble adjusting?  the Holt Lady said that they had very little trouble at all and that these kids are very much American.  she then said that the kids seem happier at culture camp, where they can be around other kids like them, than anywhere else.  the fact that she had just said they were so very much American and in the next breath happiest when around other kids like them, seemed tiotally lost on her.  I didn’t even attempt to say anything, it would have been pointless.  She did mention that we were welcome to come by the camp and see how well the kids were getting along.

This kind of bothered me too.  This woman knew absolutely nothing about us.  Yet she was inviting us to come interact with these kids.

Next, Lillie brings up open records…..

The Adoption Camp Saga Continues….

The bad lady from Holt was all smiles when she approached us.  I think she must have thought she had a couple of live ones when she saw us.  I’m in my early forties and didn’t have a kid with me.  I imagine I fit the profile perfectly. She went right after us.

I was pretty nervous and it was very loud and hot in the building so I may not have the sequence of events or exactly who asked what straight, I’m just going do my best as I recall.

Holt Lady asked us if we needed any information.

We said we did.

Holt Lady then asked us if we knew anything about adoption.

We both answered that we did.

She then pointed out the tired looking new adoptive mom sitting in the chairs, and I asked her if she had just adopted.  She said yes they had just returned from Korea.  She had a little boy, I’m not sure how old, but he was just wearing a diaper and was dozing on adopto mom’s lap.  He looked absolutely exhausted and stunned.  I felt sorry for him.  I tried to engage her in conversation, but she didn’t have much to say.

About this time Holt Lady went into what I assume is the standard spiel they give all PAPs.  How long Holt had been in business, how they started in Korea and now offer children from many countries.  How ethical they are, blah, blah, blah.

At some point one of asked about medical histories for the children they placed.

Bad Holt Lady started going on about how healthy all the kids were.  That they were all checked out at the orphanages and that we didn’t have to worry about alcohol or drug exposure.  She said that all the children were AIDS tested since that was such a worry.

I tried to clarify and say that I was asking about family medical history.

She enthusiastically assured me that all the birth mothers were 100% healthy in every way.  She mentioned no drug exposure again.  She did say if there was any diabetes or heart disease it would be noted in the child’s file.

I asked how medical information was updated, mentioning that some things haven’t shown up in the young mothers yet.

She said there was no way that could be done since most mothers disappear after giving up rights to thier children.  She said there was no way that they could be found ever again.

It was subtle but the way she said that the mothers could never be found again sure made me feel like she was telling me that I’d never have to worry about the birthmother coming back into the child’s life.  I tried not to show any emotion, but I’m pretty sure that I did.  Bad Holt Lady must have thought that I was worried about birthmother involvement because she was saying something about how poor the countries were, and how they just couldn’t relocate these people.  She said this in a very cheery way.

More later….

In Which Lillie And I Get Invited To Adoption Camp

I got to meet the beautiful and Lillie last weekend.  We met at the Iowa State Fair, and we had a mission.  Holt International Adoption Agency had a booth there.   We had some questions for them.

It was a hot crowded day at the fair, the scent of corndogs was in the air when I found my friend along with her husband and two wonder children.  We made introductions and decided to take care of our business with Holt first thing.

Lillie, her son, and I headed into the Industries Building where hot tubs, vinyl siding, emu oil, and children are sold.  It took us a while to find the Holt booth, all the way my friend’s son asked where we were going, we told him we were looking for the bad ladies who steal children.

After much searching and only being hit by a few strollers and one guy on a rascal scooter, we found Holt’s booth.  They didn’t have a sign, but we could tell we had found them because they had many pictures of cute children from a variety of countries.

There were three people in the booth, a new adoptive mother with her brand new child, and an agency worker.  The agency worker looked to be in her thirties, attractive in a athletic kind of way, with the slightly stunned look that comes from drinking too much of the adoption Kool-Aid.

We approached the booth and began to look at the literature that was laid out.  Lots of stuff about the beauty of adoption and how it would fulfill all the dreams of a perspective adoptive parent.  There was also an emphasis on the savior aspect of international adoption, lots of pictures of sad looking children presumably only waiting on a well heeled American couple to come save them.

They had bookmarks, I took one.  One one side it has a picture of a laughing woman holding a child. On the other side it says:

Faith
is the substance
of things
hoped for,
the convictions
of things
not yet seen.

-Hebrews 11:1

Holt International
finding families for children
1.888.355.4658
www.holtinternational.org

Then the agency worker approached us……..

I Know A Secret

Well, I don’t know the secret, but this dumb bitch seems to…

Actually she doesn’t. She’s now claiming that the whole thing was bullshit, a fable in her words. I have to agree that it was shit.

Carry on.

Leathery Bag Outs Trans-racial Adoptee

Irony. Loads of irony here. In order to prove a point, texassadlerfan has outed a trans-racial adoptee.

Questions are already being asked all over adoption related message boards as to who this mysterious adoptee could be. Since it’s not clear that this person even knows that they were adopted, and certain (if texasadlerfan is to be believed) is of African American heritage, I suppose that we’re no the only ones wondering.

“The young driver does not know any parents, other than those who raised him so lovingly, and he has no idea of the situation of his birth. His family thought it best to allow him to function in a selective, exclusive, more open world that may not be so accepting of him if his social delineations were known…”

But according to texasadlerfan, it’s not a big deal….

Of course it doesn’t matter, and there really is no need to make an issue of the truth, I suppose. One might wonder, sometimes, as do the adoptive parents of the NASCAR driver, what people would really think if they knew the handsome young quarterback and father of the child who became their own so many years ago, was Black.

I beg to differ, the truth is a big deal. Whoever this driver is has been lied to all of his life. And the truth is going to come out now, in a very public way. That’s not good. The circumstances of one’s birth should only be for public consumption if the person concerned wants it that way. These things should not be brought into general release by a busybody wannabe sports reporter.

Texasadlerfan, with her little preachy, gossipy post has brought up both late discovery and trans-racial adoption issues. These are two of the most painful and complicated issues that an adoptee can deal with. Just imagine not knowing that you were adopted or anything of your own heritage, and that these facts were used with such disregard, in such a frivolous way by this woman.

Make no mistake, these kind of issues can cause feelings of anger and betrayal in adoptees and tear families apart, as all that relationships were based on are lies. Yes, this driver’s parents are to blame for not being honest with their son, but this woman had absolutely no place speaking of this publicly. Adoptees who have learned about their orgins later in life express great frustration at the fact that everyone else knew the circumstances of their birth and no one told them. They feel betrayed by everyone.

The truth is important.

I can only hope that when this person discovers the truth they find the help they will need to make sense of it. It is not an easy thing.

Shame on you texasaderfan, you have no idea what you’ve done.

Fathers Day

Ah Fathers Day,  brought to you by Craftsman Tools, Hallmark Cards, and the American Necktie Marketing Institute.  That one day when dads reign supreme.  The day when no one messes up the Sunday paper and mom serves dad’s favorite for dinner.  We couldn’t have mom using up all of our discretionary gift giving income, now could we?

As an adoptee this day should be big for me.  I have two fathers.  I should be concerned with how I’m going to divide my between my two dads.  Be rushing around trying to find just the right present for both of them, wondering if I can get away with getting them both the same thing.  But it’s not quite like that for me.

As my constant readers are aware, I’ve got a whole lot of dad in my adoptive father.  To describe him as a strong personality is an understatement.  He’s hard to buy a gift for.  One can only have so many flashlights shaped like a large mouth bass and lifetime subscriptions to UFO Journal (they ARE among us).  I’m always at a loss for Fathers Day gifts for him, but I’m at even more of a loss when it comes to my natural father.

I have no idea if my natural dad is into fishing, UFOs, or the Chicago Cubs.  I don’t know him.  There was a time that I thought I knew who he had been.  I was told by my natural sister (mom’s side obviously) that he was a man that had died many years ago.  After my n-sister found that I had contacted his family, I was told that it couldn’t have possibly been him, and in this she was honest.  Upon further questioning, all I could discover is that he was most probably “some guy named Eldon”.  Apparently “some guy named Eldon” had a family and they must be protected at all costs, though she didn’t know him well enough to recall his last name.

My sister’s devotion to this guy named Eldon is incredible.  I cannot imagine depth of feeling involved that would make you choose Eldon and his family over a blood relative.  All I can come up with is this Eldon must be a hell of a guy.  Heck, I’m feeling kind of left out, he is my dad after all.  If Eldon has the power to inspire someone who can’t even remember his last name to silence for over 40 years, I think he might be able to handle meeting me.   Maybe if Sis thinks this would come as too much of a shock for this guy named Eldon, I should inform her that I am fully trained in CPR.

I can’t see any other reason why Sis would be protecting Eldon.  It couldn’t possibly be about appearances, after all she had nothing to do with any of it.  She surely couldn’t be so embarrassed about her bastard sister to think that it would reflect on her so many years later.  She couldn’t be thinking that Eldon and his family are more important than me.   I’m pretty sure Eldon didn’t do anything for her, other than make a big impression.  She couldn’t be that self conscious or uncaring could she?

I’m an optimist, and like to think the best of people, so I’m going to go with my “this guy named Eldon must be a hell of a guy” theory.

I wonder what Eldon would like for Fathers Day?

A Day For Adoptee Fights

I suppose I should say something about the whole Bastard Nation living up to there name concerning the New Orleans Protest, but truth be told, I never much gave a shit for them anyway. It’s all been said. I think it’s safe to say, after this latest display of incompetence with a twist of arrogance, nobody else that matters gives a shit for Bastard Nation either.

You’d rather hear about what my adoptive folks have been up to anyway.

A-mom and pop stopped by the store as they were headed to visit some family graves last weekend. Mom was in her perennial pink pant suit, looking very much like the big pink peonies that bloom this time of year. Dad was wearing one of his “better sport shirts”, so I was pretty sure they were planing to make a day of it.

They were in full “lively discussion” mode.

Mom: (minus her pine scented air freshener spray, spring is in the air, after all) We need to get some flowers for your folks graves.

Pop: (looking desperately for a place to hide out and keep a Marlboro company) We don’t need any damn flowers. They just steal them anyway.

Mom: Who would steal flowers off your folks grave? Who are they? Nobody disliked your folks.

Pop: They all steal flowers.

Mom: Who are they, Bob? And why are they targeting your parents grave?

Pop: They steal from everybody’s graves and put them on their own graves.

Mom: How do they put them on their own graves? You’re just a clown, Bob.

At this point they spot me, the magazine rack did not provide sufficient cover.

Mom: We’re going to decorate your father’s folks graves and he thinks someone will steal the flowers.

Me: Oh, (as if their previous conversation couldn’t be heard all over the store) I don’t think they’ll steal the flowers.

Pop: Yes, they will, they just wait for you to leave and they take them.

Me: Why would they be targeting your folks graves? Everybody liked Nanny and Grandpa. (Sometimes I just can’t help myself).

Mom: Your father thinks they put them on their own graves.

Me: How could they do that?

Mom: They are apparently ghosts.

Pop: No they put them on their relatives graves.

Me: Ghosts put them on their relatives graves?

Pop: No! Other people do.

Mom: Well, that makes more sense. Ghosts put them on their relatives graves.

I give a knowing nod.

Pop: No people steal them and put them on their dead relatives graves.

Me: Well that does makes more sense. I have a ton of memorial flowers, pick out a couple.

Pop: No, someone will just steal them.

Me: What’s it matter, you put them there for yourself anyway. It’s not like you are going to come back and pick them up anyway. The cemetery just throws them away after Memorial Day anyway.

Mom: Yeah why does it matter? Just pick something out.

About this time Pop heads to the bathroom for a cigarette and Mom gets interested in the new flavors of diet soda in the case. I get distracted by a customer and the next thing I know I see Pop’s truck pulling out of the lot. About five minutes later the truck pulls back in, and here they come.

Mom: You were just trying not to get any flowers, weren’t you Bob?

Pop: They’ll just steal them anyway.

I grab a couple of memorial arrangements and head out and put them in truck. Mom and Pop continue around the store, discussing the rate of flower theft. I went to the back.

A few minutes later, I get a call. It’s Mom on the cell phone. “You did put a couple of flower arrangemnts in the back of the truck, didn’t you?”, she screams (she still thinks you have to scream into the cell phone).

“Yes mom I did.”

Steven Curtis Chapman’s Daughter Dies In Accident

A little girl was tragically killed yesterday. It hit most of the wire services. I have no doubt that she was a innocent soul. My condolences go out to her family.

All of her family.

Her adoptive father is a person in the public eye, the story of the girls death made the news. I’m sure this is no comfort to her family, and I am sorry that they have to deal with this in the public eye. Being well known can carry with it a heavy price. Having no choice but to grieve in public must be a terrible experience.

Others will grieve with the Chapman family. The fans, those that knew nothing of her father’s music that simply read a very sad story in their newspaper, and those that know the family personally. And maybe a few others, if they know.

Somewhere far away, a woman who may only have hopes that her child found a better life, is thinking of her. She’ll have no way of knowing what happened.

Would she want to know what happened to her child? I don’t know. Given the choice between hope and a terrible confirmation of tragedy is a thing she most likely will never have to deal with. Maybe it’s for the best.

Would she be understanding if she of the tragedy that befell her child? I think so. She knows that life can be an unpredictable and cruel thing. She know that there are no good explanations for awful things that happen.

Again my condolences to all members of this girl’s family, if they know it or not.

Craps

“Let’s say that it was 24 hours before you were born, and a genie appeared and said, ‘What I’m going to do is let you set the rules of the society into which you will be born. You can set the economic rules and the social rules, and whatever rules you set will apply during your lifetime and your children’s lifetimes.’ And you’ll say, ‘Well, that’s nice, but what’s the catch?’ And the genie says, ‘Here’s the catch. You don’t know if you’re going to be born rich or poor, white or black, male or female, able-bodied or infirm, intelligent or retarded.’

The above quote has been attributed in recent times to Warren Buffet though I’m sure it’s been said,in some form, from the earliest days of human society.

The point is that the course of our lives are very much determined by our births and that is very much a crap shoot. We are pretty much stuck with how those dice come up.

Adoption, to some extent attempts to change that, to give us, and everyone else involved a do-over. They can take us to a different economic level. They can’t change our race, but we can be given the advantages of being raised within a more privileged one. They can’t change our sex, but they can see that we will be put where we may more fulfill the roles that society has laid out. They can effect the shape and fuction of our bodies through medical care we might not have received. They can see that what natural intelligence we have has a chance to develop. But they really can’t change us.

We are what we are. We can take on the mantle of someone born to something other than what we were. But that’s all it is, a covering, and many times an ill fitting and uncomfortable one. It’s not the effects of the so-called advantages adoption afforded us, we do benefit from the education, the place in society, many times those are the very things that allow us to pull this poor outfit off at all. It that this thing doesn’t fit well and we are always overdressed for the table. We are a house mark, and everybody but the suckers can spot us a mile away.

When it’s our turn to roll, everybody that knows dick bets Don’t Pass. You see, they can get us to the table, but they can’t load the dice. So it’s on to the next shooter.

Einstein was right, God doesn’t play dice. And others are foolhardy to try.

Second Chances

I wouldn’t say the theme of this blog is dissatisfaction, but I have to admit it does come into play in many of my posts. It’s occurred to me that this is a bit selfish. Adoption isn’t just about me. There are more people involved, adoptive parents just don’t get enough chances with dissatisfaction here. I apologize, and it’s time for me to change my ways.

I’ve done a lot of writing about the act of adoption itself concerning adoptive parents, but paid less attention to their feelings after the fact. I should take their feelings into consideration. I realize that raising adoptees is no day in the park. Adoptive parents are entitled to their own frustrations, and yes, dissatisfaction. With that acknowledged, I do feel that I need to press on in the spirit of answers and resolution, as is only fair.

A website was brought to my attention that may offer hope to both adoptees and their adoptive parents in finding the satisfaction that we both deserve. It offer a novel approach, one that some may say is radical, the solution it offers may disturb some, but I think it could be viable in some cases. Please explore it with an open mind.

I wish solutions like this had been available when I was a child. The world was a smaller place then and the social climate wasn’t ready for such bold solutions. I have no doubt that if this ere an option it’s something that my own adoptive parents would be willing to explore. Everyone deserves a second chance, even adoptive parents.

I think you’ll find the site both informative and easy to use. I can’t imagine this won’t be the next big thing.

ChildTrader.com