According To Addie

Angry adoptee

Strange Bedfellows

Well, I’m not sure how strange they are, but I did a guest bolgging gig over here..

 

http://ouradopt.com/adoption-blog/dec-2008/guestblogger/guest-blog-there-one-born-every-minute

 

Oh and while you are it, go see my friend Ungrateful Little Bastard, she’s strange in a good way.

http://ungratefullittlebastard.blogspot.com/2008/12/philadelphia-adoptee-rights.html

She has big news about the Philly protest.

If You Really Hate Me…

here’s a chance to have a great time reading an in depth analysis of me.

Adopto-moron talks about Addie, Jesus, and lots of other things she has no idea about.

You’ll also be treated to some really great church music.

Here are some highlights…..

How do we know? And then what should we do about it? Does all of this matter in the “big picture” of life? I’m realizing that there is a lot of controversy surrounding this topic . . . . and there a many adult adoptees who did not have that “wonderful” experience that we all strive to accomplish when we, as parents, decide to build our family through adoption. I discovered this blog yesterday, and it broke my heart. And, having raised my own four biological children before adopting Gracie and Annie, I know that biology guarantees nothing. Some children, adopted and non-adopted, grow up feeling safe, secure, loved, and cherished . . . . . and others, oftentimes in the same family and experiencing exactly the same parenting style, grow up angry, disillusioned, and frustrated with the world.

Luckily my a-parents style was much different than yours, honey.

BTW, I’m not frustrated with the world, just your little ruffly corner of it. Did you even read my blog, or just the post about that Chapman dork?

I think that sometimes people who grow up as adoptees, assume that everything in their life that was or is negative, would be different if they just hadn’t been adopted by THESE parents, or that everything would be better in their life if they hadn’t been adopted at all.

Good that you’re thinking, but you’re wrong. I’m sure you’re used to that. Actually my life’s pretty positive. I never said my a-folks were bad parents. In fac, if you read as well as you “think” you’d know that.

Has anyone ever done the assume thing with you? You know when you assume you make an ass out of you and me? Ever heard that? Guess not.

Life is difficult, no matter the circumstance.

No shit, Sherlock.

I realize there are specific issues that revolve around adoption . . . . .

Yes, and the Earth revolves around the sun. Good thinking there genius.

I was adopted by my step-father at the age of five. And I met my biological father once, when I was 17, and when I could not do what he needed me to do for him, he sent me away and I’ve never heard from him since. I don’t even know if he is still living.

Are you projecting your bad adoption experience onto me? Sure looks like it.

And we need to have great compassion for those who have suffered heartache from their experiences of adoption.

I’m really try here with you. Next time you might let me know you’d linked to me, it makes me feel much more compassionate, since we’ve established you need that.

Perhaps they will talk with me, so that I can learn how recognize the kinds of issues that cause life-long frustration and resentment. I’m an optimist!

Good for you. The world loves an optimist. Now go optimize on somebody else.

Because many children who are adopted are there because the birth parents loved them so much, that they were willing to suffer the heart break of allowing their children to leave them for a better life.

There you go assuming again, ass out of you and me, remember?

You obviously have no idea what my story is, so shut the fuck up. You stupid know it all repressed little piece of brainlesness.

It’s a serious discussion, but one which me must enter into. Adoption is about a life, a very precious individual, and we must always remember that.

Yeah it is a serious discussion and you’re obviously not ready to have it. You might try preparing yourself before you attempt to engage in a discussion next time.

Great huh?

I hope my haters have enjoyed this little interlude. I sure know I have.

The Missouri Compromise

Missouri is the “Show Me” state. Legend says we got that name because we’re kind of slow. There must be some truth to that because I don’t know what the heck is going on.

Representative Connie Johnson was set to introduce a bill that would grant Missouri adoptees access to their original birth certificates. Then I get an email in which representative Johnson expressed her offense at , “the dialogue that has taken place regarding this bill and my intentions”. I was taken aback.

My first thought was that those who would wish to limit adoptee access had offended Mrs. Johnson. Scrolling down revealed something else entirely, it was a member of the group MO CARE, more specifically a Caroline Pooler who had caused the offense.

I had never heard of MO CARE. I Googled them. As far as the internet is concerned, they have never heard of them either. A little closer examination revealed a close allegiance with the American Adoption Congress. Now we all know that the American Adoption Congress ” comprises individuals, families and organizations committed to adoption reform. We represent those whose lives are touched by adoption or other loss of family continuity”.

This explained who these people were, but not what they had done to make Representative Johnson feel that she needed to pull the bill from the legislative session. Why would a group that seemed so supportive of the rights of adoptees oppose this bill to the point of offense and possibly jeopardizing the support of a friendly legislator to any future bills?

Nobody knew. As far as I can tell Ms. Pooler’s motives have not been revealed to anyone outside her group.

A larger question in my mind is, who gave her the right to speak for all Missouri adoptees? I certainly did not. I am not a member of MO CARE, if it does indeed exist. I am not a member of The American Adoption Congress. They do not speak for me or many others. Honestly I’m a bit offended that anyone would think that they did.

I appreciate Representative Johnson’s effort on my behalf. Even if the bill was not perfect I did support it as it was written. It would have given me access to my original birth certificate.

Caroline Pooler, never again think that you can speak for me. If I can give you a piece of advice, it does our cause certain harm to offend friendly legislators. I don’t know what your problem was. You seemed to think it was your place to speak for me, but didn’t think I needed to be informed of your reasons. I am also offended.

So please Ms. Pooler outline your reasoning for me. Right now. Right here. The comment section is below.

By the way, MO Care will Google now.

I Don’t Moderate Comments..

so when I get a notification that I need to moderate a comment it usually means someone’s threatening legal action. This one came as kind of surprise, in reference to this post, Jesus Freak Saves Orphans..(I removed the links to protect the guilty, BTW)

Hi, fellow adoption blogger,

I’m sorry to spam you with this, but I’m an adoption blogger being threatened and I need your help.
Warmly,
AB

This article was published in our local paper. It was live yesterday, apparently they removed it.

I blogged about it here. some months ago, using direct quotes. I got this comment yesterday, then again today in my private email box:

A.B. You need to remove your Blog on “Read it and Puke”. Your blog is not based on Fact and it is very offensive to this family. I do not want Lisa and Scotty to see what you have written as they did not write the newspaper article. It was written by someone that does not know them and to be quite honest they were pressured by family to submit a picture to help advertise the fundraiser. The author of the article may not be familiar with the process of adoption or the complete intentions of this couple. They actually were trying to adopt a special needs child. And they actually have explored the option of DHR adoption. They were urged from friends that are foster parents not to adopt from within that system for personal reasons that do not include “just wanting a little white infant”. This was not a requirement of the Bartlett’s. What you have to understand is that just by your reading an article written by someone that does not know them does not justify such a hateful blog
personally attacking them as a couple or their intentions to adopt. If someone wrote and article about you or your work with the School or your church…. and it was someone you did not know, basically you have no control over what they publish. Some information may be speculation or just filling in the spaces to make an article they feel is worth reading. I beg of you to remove this before they see it. They have been through many hard times and much loss. Lisa has never been able to have a baby. They have been trying for many years to conceive. And for the record neither one of them are fertile. If you have never been in this situation and you have been obviously very blessed with your beautiful children you have no idea how hard this can be for a childless couple. I know that the internet is a place for free speech. But I would not think that the type person you portray yourself to be would not want to intentionally inflict pain on this family. You obviously work with the public,
school, and with your business and connections with your church I would not think that this is the type impression that you would want to make. I do not honestly believe that you would intentionally want to harm someone by such a hurtful article as “READ IT AND PUKE”. Please consider what I am asking to do. There is nothing good that can come of these words written against them.

If I do not hear from you I will explore my other options. Legal, etc.

I need anyone who is a blogger to read the quotes and blog about it if you want to.
FWIW Here is my response:

Dear Sir or Madam,

I am simply a blogger blogging on newspaper articles and social networking sites published openly. The inferences drawn were reasonable. It is up to the newpaper publisher to confirm the factuality of stories they publish. As a blogger, I reacted to */quotes in a news story./* Not individuals. When a story is published it becomes fair game for open discussion, and not everyone who read the story would feel that their motives were good and noble. It is possible that the family did not know this upfront.

I don’t “hold myself out to be” anything other than a sinner, saved by grace. I did soften the (many months old) post after receiving your comment.
I regret that you feel that the comments made might be hurtful to the family. As an adoptee, few things drive me to vitriol than sentiments that people deserve babies and it is unfair to deprive them of them. I disagree that there is little or no good that comes of blog postings like mine. People slowly realize that healthy adopted infants grow up, that we are not chattel, and that we aren’t always appreciative for what transpires, purportedly on our behalf.
If you feel that my blog post is deserving of legal action, I am happy to encourage your attorney to correspond directly with my attorney.
Yours,


Mrs. B.I have no idea who these people are. The commenter seems to be an adoptee, Christian mom, who had about the same reaction to the Chapman story that I did, if in a bit milder way. Who this person is threatening legal, again, I have no idea.

That’s what bothers me.

The letter in the link wasn’t signed, there was no link, or email address, to where it might have come from. I have no idea if this person threatening legal action is somehow connected to the Chapman organization ( I doubt it), a crazed stalker fan (I assume Chapman has those), or just a pissed off church lady(my bet). Whatever, I’m not linking it up. I don’t take anything on faith at According To Addie, and I’m not about to get into the middle of a church lady cat fight.

The fact that my post had nothing to do with the article that AB’s (whoever she is) post was linked to, also makes me wonder. I linked to an entirely different article. Could this be a lame ass attempt at some kind of viral marketing? Who knows? It just doesn’t seem right.

I suppose this frustrates me further because I was hoping to inspire some really good righteous cross pounding by militant Christian adoptive parents with my original post. I found it disappointing I was only able to draw one slightly miffed post concerning the legal definition of an orphan. I had hopes for rabid fans and adoptors galore.

Oh well, I’ll just throw this cross up on the hill and see what happens.

Beep. Beep. Beep.

Is stupidity contagious? Does it happen to be going around like the flu?

I cannot believe the instances of just plain stupidity that I have seen today alone, and I’m not just talking about the internet here. In fact, I think that the internet displays a lower level of sheer dumbness than my everyday life.

I don’t think that the average person can find their way home consistently, though they seem to be able to find me every time. How does that work? Am I wearing some type of homing device that only the lacking in intelligence can pick up? Why are they so drawn to me?

Was I implanted with a device during those missing weeks when I was a newborn? That’s the only possible explanation that I can figure out. Did someone at some black budgeted government agency decide to take the experiment of adoption one step further? I was born in 1965, this was the era of cats being implanted with listening devices in order to spy on the Ruskies. Would it really be so odd that they might decide to implant adoptees in order to trace them through their lives?

The thing is, I fear this is working out about as well as other covert programs of the era. The Ruskie spying cats were seduced, wandered off, and were hit by cars. It was simply a silly bad idea that didn’t work. I wonder if I was set up to either spy on Regular Upstanding American Citizens like my adoptive parents? Did they want to know what Mr. and Mrs. America were discussing in the privacy of their own home? Did some bright young man in the CIA think that bugging the baby was a great way to do this? Were the details not quite worked out? Was I implanted with something that just sends a signal but doesn’t record, does this signal somehow attract the stupid?

I’m imagining a steady tone. Beep. Beep. Beep. Like some moron drawing Sputnik.

Is it possible?

OK, some idiot is going to think I’m serious. They aren’t going to be smart enough to read this whole thing before they hit the comment button. Could this be the draw of the implant?

Haven’t We Met Somewhere Before?

Haven’t we met somewhere before?

As a pick up line that an oldie, but goodie. As a feeling it’s something I experience way too often.

I’m feeling it now, in a big way.

Tell me do these words from this blog look familiar to you?

 

“There are privacy concerns that extend to family members. I am the father of a child, whose mother and I gave birth to in our hearts. My feelings and love for my child seem to be so easily dismissed by those who debate the issue of the rights of birth parents and adoptees. Adoptive parents seem to be tossed aside in most debates. As if we don’t exist or played only a marginal role in our child’s life. As if we “rented” the adoptee. You don’t know my child so please do not speak for them or assume their desires are the same as yours. And don’t discount the adopted parent and adopted family part in this triangle. We too have information to share, stories to tell, medical history to impart, cultural experiences to share. My child is wonderful and I can tell you about my child. Every person, regardless of their birth or status, has an inherent right to their personal privacy. And that includes the right to waive their personal privacy; and that right should not be legislated away. I do not want my child hurt. Therefore, if a child, adoptive parent, or birth parent wish to seek out one another I prefer the “contact choice” option so that sharing information (medical, family history, heritage, etc.) can be done so without names or personally identifiable information being disclosed if the birth parent, the adopted parent, or my child wish to remain annoymous. A confidential process can be in place that can correctly match the child, adopted parent, and birth parent. Breaking that confidentiality should be a joint decision; not a legislated decision. Just as I have no right to violate your personal privacy you have no right to violate my privacy or the privacy of my child against our will. I believe there is a moral right to choose to know information about your personal history, background, heritage, etc., but there is a right to personal privacy that all parties need to freely waive. Please do not advocate so strongly that you remove a child’s choice to know or release personally identifying information at any point in their life. As a parent, please do not intentionally or unintentionally harm my child. They will decide wisely.

Tama Janowitz, My Canidate for Mother of the Year

Can you believe this wonderful woman has been blocking comments from adoptees?

I can’t either. It must be a mistake, so I’m going to allow adoptees to comment here.

The Real Thing

My husband Tim and I adopted our daughter Willow, who is now 12, from China when she was 9 months old. We were told by the adoption agency that once the process was complete and the three of us were back home, many people would stop to inquire about our daughter’s Mongolian features or why she did not look like us.

It may be that having a child of a different ethnic background from yourself is more difficult in other parts of the country. And certainly that may lead to problems. But In my neighborhood in Brooklyn I see black women with half-Asian, half-black kids and I see kids with dark skin and blond hair — the mother is white, the father is not. There are Indian fathers and Caucasian mothers with their offspring. There are families with two dads. There are also Hasidic families with ten kids and Muslim women dressed in full burkas who have dressed their daughters the same way.

So here in New York City, we haven’t attracted too much attention.

Well, O.K., sometimes.

It is true when she was a baby, if I took her out on my own, sometimes people did ask me, “Is the father Chinese?” If I said “yes” the usual response was “Good for you!” This puzzled me, so then I just said, “Either Chinese, or some black dude – who can remember?”

But as always, if you don’t have one kind of problem, you will automatically be given another.

There are more than enough for seconds! Even fifths!

One thing I figure, whether adopted, mixed race, religious, non-religious, whether your child is biological, whether you send her to Hebrew school or piano lessons – there is no one who does not resent his or her parents, We all have this in common. Indeed, it may be what makes us human.

Everyone feels they are doing the best possible job as a parent. But apart from the most obvious types of abuse, there is little that is clear-cut in regard to child rearing. Some discipline their kids and refuse to allow them to go to school dressed in a tutu. Others allow them to eat McDonald’s. Even if your house is tidy, this could be a mistake in child-rearing! So could being a vegetarian! Or serving meat!

A girlfriend who is now on the waiting list for a child from Ethiopia says that the talk of her adoption group is a recently published book in which many Midwestern Asian adoptees now entering their 30s and 40s complain bitterly about being treated as if they did not come from a different cultural background. They feel that this treatment was an attempt to blot out their differences, and because of this, they resent their adoptive parents.

So in a way it is kind of nice to know as a parent of a child, biological or otherwise – whatever you do is going to be wrong. Like I say to Willow: “Well, you know, if you were still in China you would be working in a factory for 14 hours a day with only limited bathroom breaks!”

And she says — as has been said by children since time immemorial — “So what, I don’t care. I would rather do that than be here anyway.”

My friend has a biological kid who said one day, “I hate you.” She cried and cried and told the child how deeply hurt she was.

I have heard those words, too, and my child is not biological. Like, I care? Hate me or love me, I am her mother and she knows it and since she is not getting a reaction out of me she almost immediately revises her opinion.

Is it my fault she is still angry because I kept coming home with another dog? I would have been thrilled, if I was a kid, to have six poodles! How was I supposed to know she would turn out to be the type who didn’t like dogs? And she says even if she did like dogs, she only likes mixed breeds!

“You should keep a list of everything I’ve done to you,” I have often suggested, “That way, later, you can read it to your therapist. Otherwise you might forget.”

Sometimes I think, Well, maybe I should be more of a disciplinarian. But what am I going to do, lock her in her room? She has an ensuite bath, a computer, cell phone and a Game Boy and if I say, I will take those away she says, “So what, who cares?”

Same with TV privileges. “Go watch TV!” I tell her.

“No, I don’t want to.”

“You will watch TV, young lady.” It’s no use.

I know that there are some women who have given birth who believe that the type of love they have for their child is more intense, more real, than the love I have for my kid, because they hatched it themselves. This argument makes no sense to me. After all, the fathers (until recently) never could be sure that it was their sperm that made them the dad.

You might as well say, “Listen, Daddy-O, you had ten minutes max of involvement in the creation biz, and you didn’t even get to pre-approve the winning sperm, And if your kid is the product of the fastest sperm in the bunch, that is just plain pitiful. How could you care about the child?”

However I would no more say this than ask someone with a baby if they were certain the father was human.

I also know women who never really bonded with their kid – biological, or adopted.

I figure, Willow, she’s my kid, she just got here differently. I don’t remember floating around in my mother’s womb, or coming out of the vaginal canal – but I still know that person is my mother, even if she is a little off.

And my kid knows I’m her real mother.

Not biological, but real. It doesn’t get any realer than this.

http://relativechoices.blogs.nytimes.com/2007/11/12/the-real-thing/

Have at it folks.