I’m a Viking, but work is kind of slow these days…..

As I deal with all this damn loss, convinced that the universe is not out to kill me, but something much worse, like a life sentence in solitary confinement, I think of all the years that will come. How long my sentence will be without David, I can’t know, but there it is stretching out in front of me. I’m going to have to do something.

As many of you know, on all aptitude tests, I score very highly as an axe wielding Viking warrior. I do plan to continue my efforts to assemble a horde, but it is, as always, problematic. The coasts of Europe are much better defended these days, and lets face it, most of the countries are broke. Recruiting and exposition costs could far exceed return on pillage. I’ll leave that as a long term goal.

Cat lady is also a possibility. I’d have very low start-up costs. I’ve got the creepy old house on the edge of town, four cats to start with, and let’s face it, I’m a widow. If my town has an opening, my resume will make me a shoe-in. I’ll keep my eye on the local paper for openings, but it’s one of those positions that people keep for life and God only knows how many people already have dibs. I’m not interested in relocating, so this may never happen for me.

I’m thinking I’ll probably just do my best to carry on as I have. Writing, school again in the Fall, finish what I started, then worry about the cushy jobs. There are things out there I need to finish, work that I still feel needs to be done, none of that has changed. It just feels different, satisfying, but not like before. When I achieve something, I won’t get the hug and the words, “I’m proud of you.” from the person that it means the most from. Not physically anyway. That will be bittersweet at best.

Right now, getting through this blog post is difficult. My ability to concentrate has taken a dive from it’s normal low. I’ve been told to expect this along with confusion, forgetfulness, and a general feeling of “wrongness”, and that’s on a good day. As far as I can tell, I’m typical . So forgive me my ramblings.

 

 

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Things That Can Be Fixed Or Not

Last night I did the first useful thing since I lost my love. It wasn’t much, I shared some knowledge that I acquired along the way. It fixed something, it made something work.

There are so few times in life we can easily help make things work, most of the time all we can do is help others deal with things that are going to stay broken. I’ll take any little thing made right as a near miracle right now.

David was my family. It was from him that I acquired the knowledge to fix that little thing. He learned it from his father. Through love and true mutual choice of association of the soul, I became one of those that would possess and share that knowledge.  I shared that knowledge out of the same kind of love and association.

We find our own families, they can’t be arranged for us. Just because something is supposed to work, doesn’t mean that it always will. Just believing that it should won’t make it happen, if you’re lucky it will, if not, not so much. Read Joy’s post, she always been more eloquent about stuff like this than I could ever be.  I love Joy Joy.

I feel so humbled by all the kindness that has been shown to me since I lost David. I don’t have words. I’m working on a thank you that will do justice. I’m not sure I can do it.

This Blog Is About To Take a Turn

My life took quite a dive last week, one that isn’t really adoption related, but I’m sure that will play into it. Right now I’m  numb and don’t know exactly where I’m at with any of it. Only that I’m sad, lonely, and my life is forever changed. I lost the love of my life, my partner in crime, and husband of twenty-eight years last week.

I’m still in shock and there are a lot of (not literally) bloody details, I’m not ready to go into. I just need to write about this.

I’ll completely understand if you aren’t up for this journey, I know it’s not going to be an easy one.

I’ve got through the memorial service, starting on all the lawyer crap today, and feel like I’m getting farther and farther from him every second. People are staying with me, not sure if I’m suicide watch or not, though I know I’m not suicidal. My friends, especially my bastard friends, have bee wonderful, my greatest comfort in all of this. There are no word to thank them.

I’m going to try to write here often, and details will emerge, but for now let’s just say, I’m more alone that I think I have ever been, but I don’t feel abandoned, he didn’t want to go, he didn’t leave leave me. He chose me, sure, but he never tried to change me. He made me feel right and good. I don’t know what I am without him.

Adoption Acronyms

I was first introduced to acronyms on my first job.  This was back in the days before computers and we had to fill out reams of paperwork.  We had an acronym for everything.  On our first day we received a large binder filled with them arranged both alphabetically and by their use.  Since that time acronyms have grown to take over not just work environments, but our everyday lives.

The adoption community has enthusiastically embraced acronyms.  We are almost to the point that one needs one of those binders just to get through a simple blog post, but I wonder if we have used them to our best advantage.  I see no reason we shouldn’t co-op, change, and claim existing acronyms, as well as make up new ones.  For example:

ADD, possibly the most overused, and possibly over diagnosed acronym of all time, especially for adoptees.  Attention Deficit Disorder?  Bah.  It stands for Adult Adoptee Disorder now.

RAD, Reactive Attachment Disorder, Rock Against Drugs, Rapid Application Development, take your pick.  Now it’s going to be Really Awesome Demonstration, thanks to..

ULB, Ungrateful Little Bastard.  Who shall now me known as Ultimate Little Bastard.

NCFA, National Council for Adoption?  I don’t think so.  Non-Compliant Frigging Adoptees has a nice ring to it.

ABC, amended birth certificate.  How about Absolute Bird Crap?

OBC, original birth certificate.  That one is ok, but Owned By Child sounds good too.

CI, confidential intermediary.  Certified Incompetent would be more accurate.

KAD, Korean Adoptee, which does work, but per Paula’s suggestion, I think Kicking Ass Daily also describes KADs very well too.  I think this one should be an either/or type of acronym.

IA, international Adoption.  Infertile Asshats has been suggested, Ineffective Acknowledgment, as to the effects of International Adoption on the adoptee also comes to mind.

BM, Birth mother, bowel movement, and several others I’m sure.  Baader-Meinhof, big mammaries or possibly big monsters when used in connection with AP insecurities.  Take your pick.

Now for some we can steal from others:

POA, Power of Attorney.  Pissed Off Adoptee.  To be used when they fond out what somebody did with the original acronym to their birth certificate.

POS, in the popular lexicon, Piece Of Shit, usually used to refer to automobiles.  Let’s just use this one for the original acronym ABC.

This is just a partial list, it is intended to be discussed, expanded and debated.  All suggestions will be considered.

Fovorite Blog Post for Grown In My Heart

This time on the GIMH carnival we are sharing some of out favorite blog posts.

OK, this might seem a bit odd, but I really like this post.  It is so funny, a bit scary, and real.  That’s why I like the great lady that writes this blog so much.  She has a way of making you feel like she has just called you up to let you know what’s going on,even if it’s a bit disturbing, or not at all.  It doesn’t matter.  She shares, and does it honestly.

Tongginator Stalker

First read this, then hook up at the carnival here.

I’m Back and In Trouble Already

I’m Seeing Double and have been sent to the principal’s office over at Grown In My Heart….

Seeing Double at Grown In My Heart.

Other than that, I’m adjusting.

I’m a freshman at a small mid-western university.  I always thought these things were made up, until it happened to me……

Actually I have managed to get myself enrolled in school.  We’ll see how that goes.  More later.

Ward Of The State (Slight Return)

Due to my recent employment situation, I am again dependent on the state.

It’s triggering.

As an adult adoptee most of my contact with the state has been adversarial.  I want my original birth certificate and they refuse to give it to me.  This because they think of me as a child that cannot understand my position.

The fact is, I understand my position very well.  Obtaining my OBC will not change a thing about who I am or what has happened to me, but it will make me feel like an adult.  It’s simple, but they won’t help me.  I’m  supposed to be fine with all that.

The state does  feel that I might need some help with my joblessness.  It’s been explained to me that losing a job can be very traumatic.

I get that.

The state has told me that’s it’s unfair and I shouldn’t be able to understand my situation.

I think I have a pretty good grasp on the situation, actually.

They tell me that I may feel like my identity has been taken away.

Um no.  I know what that feels like and this isn’t it.

They say this could be the most significant transition in my life.

Trust me, it’s so not.

They want me to know if I start to feel out of control or that I fear I might hurt myself, counseling is available.

Oh where have you been all of my life?

They even offered to set up a “rap session” for us to dicuss what we are going through.

No, in the name of all things holy, no.

I’m not trying to minimize  job loss here, it is hard, but it’s not like the end of my world.

Honestly I’m offended that they take unemployment so much more seriously than adoption.  I lost a job here, not my biological roots, not my name, not my identity.  I’m supposed to be just fine with being adopted and not require any kind of assistance dealing with it, but lose my job, and it’s time for intensive intervention.

What the hell ever.