Thank God For Adoptees

I just saw an adoptive Mother tell one of my good online friends that she doesn’t see a need to thank her adoptee, she thanks God for them instead. Seems that her adoptee was a great blessing bestowed on her from God.

Gee kid, no pressure.

Since any of the blow sunshine up your ass type adopto parents will tell you that blessings come in all shapes and sizes, I’m beginning to wonder if, I too, am a gift from God. Since my A-parents were rather lazy Christians and only bothered to thank God for anything on Thanksgiving, or after a particularly close call with another automobile, I’m just not sure. They never confirmed anything.

How does one go about determining if they are a gift from God? Did I come with a card? Did my parents keep it? I suppose it would read something like this:

Dear Addie’s Adoptive Mom and Dad,

Sorry to be out of touch for so long. I’ve been kind of busy with the Presidential assassination and that whole state of Israel thing. The Catholics and Jews are my first teams, but boy they require a lot of attention (ha ha). I’ve put Jesus in charge of some of the Saints, and he’s looking after admissions for me, so I’ve freed up some time for adoptions.

Hope you like this one. They tell me she’s a little firecracker and smart to boot. Sometimes they are a little colicky at first, leaving my bosom tends to bit rough on their digestion.

Got to close now, but please do enjoy your gift.

XXOXO,

God

Since I haven’t found a card, I’m going to have to find another way to find out if I was actually given out by the supreme being. I don’t think I’d be marked, from my reading that is more the modus operandi of one of His former employees. I wondered about maybe having a gift on my own, you know, healing by touch, blood that smells like violets, etc. So far I can find nothing.

I’m beginning to think that maybe I wasn’t a gift from God, and just came from the hospital, like my a-parents told me.

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14 thoughts on “Thank God For Adoptees

  1. I was definetly a gift from God, or my life is a gift that I am thankful and grateful for, I am getting all turned around.

    Wait, I am thankful not to be an abortion, check

    I am thankful for my a-parents giving me food AND clothes, check.

    I am completely clear that I don’t deserve to be alive, and it is only my mother’s crazy magnamity that brings me here, and I don’t deserve to be clothed and fed, and only my a-parents, nutty largesse is why I survived , but I don’t get how these two aspects neatly tie me up as gift from God.

    Is this like that whole kill your son if you love me, oh wait Ha Ha I was just kidding and you can this goat (or was it a sheep?) instead. Isn’t that the Isaac and Abraham story?

    You ever wonder if God has a drinking problem?

  2. dare i say i actually have a card from my daughters adopters that says “a baby is a gift blown from the hand of god”

    i have often thought about educating them that no, she wasnt blown from gods hand but ripped from my bleeding vagina and leaking breast….but I am not sure they would get that.

    oh, but maybe gods hand was in my crotch? and he blew her out versus me pushing?

  3. bijou,

    I like the way you think, it should be all about honoring us. You know with gifts and stuff.
    I suppose the adoptos would just make it about them, and we’d end up having to get them gifts and stuff though.
    Maybe we should make a secret day, like adoptees just celebrate, nobody else. We could be all secretive and piss everybody off.

    Joy,

    Sheep, goats, who knows. Like I said, raised by lapsed Christians here.
    I actually think God might be on crack.

    Suz,

    You have got to be fucking kidding me. How insulting.

    Maybe you should have sent a sympathy card noting the death of there empathy.

    And yeah, I don’t think they’d respond super well about the bleeding vagina thing.

  4. ha ha. right. i should have. like so much in my adoption experience, the knowledge was too little too late. but thanks for this prompt. i wrote about it on my own blog.

  5. I think God really needs some time in rehab.
    Then once he’s clean and sober – he needs to have a long hard look at the wrongs he’s has done.

  6. Wait!!! No shit!!! If we adoptees command an Adoption Day wherein everyfuckingbody we know has to give us gifts – just to prove what fabulous gifts WE are (from god), well maybe just maybe, at least the tightwad ones would start to question this concept. If not, at least we could rake in the gifts, resell them on ebay and make a living.

    P.S. I think god has been at the Betty Ford clinic since before I was born. That would explain a lot.

  7. Possum,

    Good luck with that, God works for the adoption industry. You can tell because all the holy APs say he’s on their side.

    Prince,

    You speel good for a cat.

    Elizabeth,

    Since Joy has confirmed what I was thinking, can you maybe do some miracles or something?

    Theresa,

    I was thinking more of a week of celebration. think you can swing that?

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